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Thursday, 13 December 2012

REAL MEN II - Treat 'Em Mean


“Man, she’s like a princess or something,” are the first words to emerge, with the two men, from muttering shadows beyond my neighbour’s fence-line. “Guys would treat her like a treasure” (You hear all kinds of poetry sitting on your balcony at three in the morning).
            “Nah, mate, I treat her like shit, bro”. You’ve seen this guy before: body almost square; that awkward steroidal gait, arms stuck out forty-five degrees – the closest his biceps will let them get to his sides; no-neck bucket-head shaved high and tight, fudged up bristle on top; all chin and forehead. “She’s dying inside – she tells me all the time”.
            It’s not a drunken confession. This type of guy doesn’t drink much – too many carbs. No, the behemoth is bragging. He’s proud of himself.
            Why (Not, why is he proud of himself. You can answer that just by looking at him)? The question that screams at many a man and most women is: why would any woman subject herself to that? What’s the attraction?
            My friend, Parkstreet, has touched on this (Go to www.kentparkstreetblog.com and type “The Lovable Rogue” into the search field; highly recommended). Despite his many faults, however, the lovable rogue of my friend’s blog is at least entertaining. I know: my mother married two of them. But what hold does this brute exercise over a woman – let alone one with the choices our culture offers to beauty?
            It’s not a rhetorical question; I really want to know. Parkstreet and I aren’t the only two guys to have racked our brains trying to figure it out. And evidently loverboy’s companion is struggling with the answer too.
            It can’t be that he’s spectacular in bed. Women in a position to know tell me juicing gym junkies soon lose the ability, even if they retain the interest.
            Some would say money, but it’s not that either: he’s on foot. Although Hulk isn’t drunk, his mate obviously is. The only drinking holes within walking distance have been shut for hours, yet they haven’t taken a cab or driven home – whatever money he has left-over after gym fees went on the brand-name shirt stretched across his beefy back.
            So, I don’t know. I wouldn’t mind betting who does, though. It’s the guy whose shoulder the woman probably cries on when He-Man’s not around; maybe the one who, at present, is trying to talk him into behaving like a human being.
            Maybe she’ll run away with him. Wouldn’t that be lovely? Nice Guy gets his treasure; the woman gets someone who’ll treat her like a princess; and knucklehead gets to be with the one he truly loves – his reflection in the gym wall mirror. And they all live happily ever after ...
            ... Nah.
            Laurel and Hardy fade beyond the farther fence-line, voices mingling again with the darkness. I drain my coffee mug and step back into my own shadows. Maybe if I stare at the ceiling and groan long enough I’ll eventually get some sleep.

Monday, 3 December 2012

VILLAGE OF THE SPAMMED


I lost a reader today. No, not that way; he simply decided that social networking is no longer worth the risk to his privacy. You can understand his concern. If this was any other country – the USA or Britain, Russia or China, with an enormous, well-funded state security apparatus – you might share it.
            It wasn’t meant to be this way, was it? We were going to live in a global village. The free exchange of information, we were told, would pave the road to the New Jerusalem.
Right now a monomaniacal antipodean misfit seeks South American asylum, spouting all the while his messianic belief: that absolute freedom of information will absolutely free us all. His acolytes include human-rights lawyers, celebrities, and all manner of academics and idealists. The similarity of his rhetoric to that of John Calvin seems to have escaped them.
Not too long ago social media was going to free the Middle East. Facebook would roar, Twitter would tweet, and tyrannies would topple from Tehran to Tripoli. It's a nice story. Did wonders for share prices and advertising campaigns in New York and Silicon Valley. The reality was different.
Social media didn’t stop Egypt’s President Morsi appointing himself effective Dictator last week. Nor has it prevented his enactment of a new constitution – one heavy with Shari’ah Law. Whether Egypt’s new constitution passes or fails at a referendum, social media will have little hope of averting the likely consequences: either a brutal government crack-down, or a vicious civil war.
We won’t mention Syria. No amount of tweeting can help where China and Russia have money and the US has no interest (or any combination of the above).
 No, Facebook will not free the world any time soon; but what about privacy? At the moment our profiles are used to fashion ads for ourselves and our friends. Social media is a store, and we are the products. In Australia you’re more likely to be spammed than spied on ... for now.
Governments – authoritarian and “democratic” – have been quicker than activists to learn the real lessons of the internet. A century ago, Irish Nationalists feared infiltration of their groups by government agents. Nowadays it’s easier to train a few bloggers. These can then go online, monitor opposition activity, and disseminate propaganda.
 I don’t buy, sell or bank online, so I’m reasonably safe in that sense; but what about personal information? I make no secret of my past: drunk, junkie, and wastrel. In fact, I rather trade upon it – a kind of demented Dylan Moran of the blogosphere. I’m no longer doing anything illegal. My life, as my art, is an open book.
However, my network contains a fair cross section of political activists, artists and drug users. The right kind of government – or corporation – could use my profile to find them, and either arrest them, or follow them to bigger fish.
Conversely, imagine a government using the same techniques as Google and Facebook to create a flexible, intelligent, insidious and effective censorship system.
Freedom of information is a double-edged sword. As anyone knows who watches reality TV, some of the highest-security prisons have cells with transparent walls.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

CHARACTER IS DENSITY


Julia Gillard here at home, David Petraeus in the US; the political circus is putting on the Character Show again. Are we being a little precious? Have popular perceptions of integrity always been synonymous with leadership and ability?
            I know people who claim to have bribed one of our modern luminaries when he was still a union leader. No suggestion that the future Prime Minister actually pocketed the dough. He was just the point man in charge of greasing the skids; it’s the way things were done – the price of a smooth ride in business.
            Without suggesting this is right, or should continue, it’s worth remembering: if this man had been exposed and precluded from office, this country might still be trapped in a 1950s mindset and a 1930s economy.
            John F Kennedy was not only a serial adulterer, but rode into office on his father’s electoral corruption. Ditto Lyndon Johnson (although, he did his own bribery). In fact, it was partly by virtue of his dubious associations that Johnson was able to ram through the most far-reaching civil rights legislation since the Emancipation Proclamation (on a related note, Martin Luther King Jr also had trouble keeping his trousers on).
            This brings us to Kennedy and Johnson’s tragic successor: Nixon. He should have been one of the truly great. As Vice-President he effectively ran the US for much of the prosperous 1950s while Eisenhower was occupied having heart attacks. Domestically, he was a “compassionate conservative” before it was a buzzword; on the world stage, a true statesman.
            Sadly, in Nixon’s case, character was destiny. He inherited a war and, in war as in politics, knew only one way to fight – totally. Escalate; deal from strength; carpet-bomb anything that looks like an enemy and sort out the collateral damage later. “Tricky Dick’s” major flaw wasn’t dishonesty or corruption – it was paranoia.
            And so on throughout modern history; from Franklin Delano Roosevelt – adulterous product of the Tammany Hall Democratic Machine – who steered the US out of the Great Depression, propped up Britain during the first years of World War II, and provided the USSR with the money and materiel to defeat Nazi Germany; to Thomas Jefferson, the spendthrift who fathered umpteen children on his slave, Sally Hemmings; and, of course, his namesake, William Jefferson Clinton.
            We could mention one historical exception, a man whose private life was blameless to the point of boredom; who neither drank nor smoked; and who set out a political ideology early in his career and delivered on every word of it – after becoming Chancellor of Germany in 1933.
            Our Federal Opposition should be careful. The Character Show is a Pandora’s Box. Any points are scored at the expense of the public’s respect for politics in general.
            Still, the Prime Minister is in a spot: the scoundrels I’ve named had real accomplishments to offset their faults. In trying to govern by sound bite, she has largely avoided that encumbrance.
            Her real problem is that recent allegations fit squarely with a narrative she herself created – that of a Machiavellian schemer who knifed her predecessor, lied to the nation, and made a deal to retain government then welched on it. She did this to herself.
            Now she’s doing it to the rest of us.

Monday, 26 November 2012

666


I saw it rise from the water. In the spirit on dosing day I watched its pitching progress. Belly drag. All fins and stumpy legs.
Aeons. Shifting form. Always the reptile eye. Glinting from the undergrowth; hiding under rocks while extinction rained from the heavens. Emerge ...
Faltering upright. Grows. Overspreads. Instinct in a self-aware veneer.
I saw it kill. Blunt stones. Sharp sticks. Tooth and nail. Nails and iron shot. First, to live; then, to have. I saw it grasp and hate. I saw it reason.
Pleasures it found. Music hath charms to sooth the savage beast. Building and creating thought to think away its animal.
I watched it make a world and create itself a God (How long, Oh LORD, must our souls go unavenged?) Behold, I bring forth fruit from the vine and bread from the earth; I clothe you in the skins of your brothers.
Horsemen came to kneel before it: Pestilence and Famine, War and old blind Faith; rider on a pale horse, Death.
Groping for the Wisdom of Days it brought down fire from the skies. Drunk with its own wonders it raised from the earth an image unto itself. Copper and plastic; web of dripping silicone. All authority was given to the Beast and its Image. And none shall buy or sell who will not bow before it.
Life or death. Blessing or cursing. Love or fear. Behold, I lay them before you. Choose.
Shadow or the heart? Our reptilian brain. Us.
We are the Beast.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

CHILD ABUSE ROYAL COMMISSION - ABOUT BLOODY TIME


It’s mildly disturbing to discover you agree with Christopher Pyne about something. The use of the confessional seal to protect paedophile priests is an appalling anachronism. The Catholic Church is one of few still employing it – some denominations even practice public confession.
            Cardinal Pell has responded in his usual arrogant fashion to news of the Royal Commission. He defends the sanctity of the confessional, and looks forward to the investigation sorting the “real cases” from the “exaggerations”.
            Until now, while usually disagreeing with him, I could respect the Cardinal-Archbishop for his mind and achievements; so much for that ...
I used to respect another bishop, the one in charge of the diocese where I grew up. He was friendly, approachable, and good with kids. At all the milestones of my catholic upbringing – reconciliation, first communion, confirmation – there he was.
His local subordinate was the Monsignor. There are photos of me with both these men on my big days. The Monsignor used to come occasionally to my grandmother’s house; sit in her kitchen, drink her tea, and eat her biscuits.
I don’t know if either of these bastards, when he put his arm around me and smiled into the camera at my first communion, had heard a specific confession of what was done to me. I don’t even care. They knew what had been done to other boys, and had moved the offending priest to another diocese. None of the parents were ever told.
Both are dead now. Both taught the doctrine of Purgatory. The revelations of recent months make me want to believe in it: I’d like to think they’ll spend some time there.
In announcing the Royal Commission the Prime Minister used an unfortunate phrase: ‘Those who averted their eyes from this evil’. Averted eyes aren’t the problem; aiding and abetting abuse is the problem. For years the church hierarchy actively covered up child abuse, not merely protecting abusing priests but moving them on to find fresh victims.
Even now, there is anecdotal evidence of them hindering police investigations. Their method of dealing with victims – and here Cardinal Pell is personally culpable – is to throw money at them and shut them up. Given that one frequent outcome of child abuse is drug abuse, that hush money has done even more damage.
 And still the Cardinal sings his old tune: It’s all a media smear campaign; priests need to be protected from the moral trauma of disclosing criminal confessions; and anyway, other people do it too. I’m waiting for him to mention the recent BBC troubles.
He’s right in one respect. The Royal Commission must, and will, investigate abuse in more than one organisation. It should search as widely and as long as is necessary to root out this scum from our institutions – the perpetrators and their collaborators.
Is the Catholic Church unfairly being made the face of this issue? An institution which regards itself as the world’s spiritual parent and arbiter of public morality deserves to be held to the highest standard: it succeeds or fails above all by example.
Ordinary Catholics, their children, and the majority of honest clergy who serve them deserve better. Perhaps a little public penitence would do some good.

JUBILEE THOUGHTS - Royal Tours, Crazy Aristocrats


As the Queen’s jubilee year winds to a close; as the Prince of Wales’ tour ends and this proud nation wipes away a tear, sniffs, and gropes once more at the trailing apron string; the mind wanders. Weird associations ...
            At dinner last week; the old guy at the next table asks his friends: “One thing I can’t understand – how could Charlie leave a beautiful woman like Diana for a sack of potatoes like Camilla?”
            I never got the Diana thing. Leaving aside Camilla’s comparative assets, or otherwise, I just didn’t think Diana was all that attractive. I had a fair idea of what she’d be like, and could imagine the hell of being married to her.
            You see I once knew one of the Spencers – a cousin. He was the image of Earl Spencer, the brother, who had his moment of fame in 1997. A friendly, generous guy, he used to ply me with drugs and alcohol hoping I’d get drunk or high enough to fall into bed with him.
Although he never overcame my titanic tolerance for intoxicants, it eventually worked on another young man. When the youth came-to, pantless in a Darling Harbour hotel room, his first act was to stumble downstairs and call the police. The royal cousin-in-law found himself charged with false imprisonment and indecent assault.
As I said: friendly, generous; and almost completely out of his mind. I’m reliably informed that he was a fair representation of the rest of the Spencer family, stretching back generations. So no, I don’t think Di was the innocent, abused snowflake she and her acolytes would have us believe.
‘But,’ they say, ‘She was such a wonderful mother. She broke the stuffy royal mould of parenting at a distance. She was affectionate; took her kids on holiday. Those boys will be the salvation of the Monarchy.’
Bollocks. As I write this, the ABC is continuing its tradition of royal documentary programming: Prince Charles, wading through old home movies. To my inexpert eye, they seem to be years’ worth of images of happy, affectionate family frolics; at home, on holiday, and at sea on “working trips”.
So, maybe after the fun was done a nanny took the kids to be bathed and readied for dinner; maybe Mum and Dad could at times be remote, or intimidating. In other words, maybe in some ways they resemble two-thirds of all the other families in the western world in that era.
Sadly though, the Dianolytes are right in one respect. In this country, removed from the institution itself, the Monarchy is reduced to a personality cult. The advent of the royal grandsons may well keep the monarchist cause alive another generation.
In Britain, monarchy serves a purpose. Aside from being a self sustaining tourism campaign, a long serving monarch provides a valuable source of counsel for British prime-ministers; an institutional memory.
Here, it’s a sea-anchor. Not so much in governmental terms, but a mindset: symptomatic of a cultural cringe; a deep insecurity underlying our pugnacious national over-compensation.
We still, a century after federation, live in our mother’s garage. We’re the little man of the western world.
Isn’t it time we grew up?

Monday, 12 November 2012

RAINGOD


I’ve written before that the best portrait in literature of high-functioning autism is Sherlock and Mycroft Holmes*. I may have been wrong. I think I’ve found a better one in another book; actually, in the book – it’s God.
            Think about it. He’s bright, brilliant and creative. When we first meet him he’s so obsessed with his current project that he works for six solid days before collapsing on the seventh.
            He’s enigmatic. Although he can be great company when he wants to be, often he’s just hard to get along with. He invents bizarre little rituals that he insists everybody around him follow. Failure to do so results in fearsome tantrums – either he melts down and destroys everything in sight, or shuts down and doesn’t say a word for centuries on end.
            Nobody’s ever quite sure what sets him off.
            It’s not that he doesn’t want to interact with people. In fact, he craves it. He’s desperate to love and be loved; he’s just not sure how. Try as he might, it always goes subtly, horribly wrong. He’s convinced he’s always perfectly reasonable – why don’t these people get him?
            The problem is he empathises better if he’s actually been in the other person’s shoes. Thankfully he’s blessed with the ability to think in unusual ways, and to stubbornly apply himself to a problem until it’s solved. So, after a couple of thousand years mulling it over, the answer dawns: You want to get along with humans? Then, be a human.
            Applying that gift for lateral thinking again, he not only gets around the need for sex in conception, but also becomes his own father (let’s see you do that).
            As you might expect, he’s a strange, serious child. He causes his parents no end of worry – vanishing on a trip to the city, only to turn up lecturing people at the Temple steps.
            The familiar pattern continues into manhood. Some love him; others hate him; few are indifferent to him; nobody gets him: is he really this way, or is he taking the piss? Was that a joke? Why does he talk for so long, and so impenetrably? What the hell does he mean? And where does he get to when he disappears for hours or days at a time?
One thing’s for sure: he has an idea of himself, and he takes it very seriously. So seriously that it gets him killed. He doesn’t deal well with authority – civil or religious.
Since his little sojourn among us he’s mellowed a bit. No more smiting. He still engages in interminable monologues on ideas he finds interesting; but he generally limits himself to speaking at people nearly as odd as he is himself.
And still, nobody can agree on exactly what he’s saying.
No Sherlock Holmes, but it’s a compelling portrait, eh? Precisely what questions it answers regarding a Creator – benevolent, omniscient, absent or otherwise – I can’t really say.
But it might just tell us something about the guys who wrote the book ....

*The Diogenes Club, 30 August 2012

Monday, 5 November 2012

STARS AND STRIPES AND ... SO WHAT?


By any practical standard it’s irrelevant who wins the US Presidential election this week. It’s easy to forget amidst the hoopla that Americans will also vote for Congress on the same day. Unless there’s a significant change of make-up and politics there, it really won’t matter which candidate takes the White House. The very closeness of the Presidential race indicates no such change is likely.
It’s a two-party system. Each party can count on between forty-two and forty-eight percent of the vote; voting is also non-compulsory. That means elections are decided by as little as four percent of those who bother to turn out and cast their ballot. During the last three years something interesting has happened in this narrow middle sliver.
In 2008 President Obama attracted a record number of first-time voters. Being first-timers they were, by and large, extraordinarily childish in their expectations of the process – they missed the “we” in Yes We Can. Having discovered that casting one vote in one election won’t make the New Jerusalem descend from the heavens, the worry is that this time they’ll stay at home.
Meanwhile the President’s opponents, under cover of the Tea Party and their ilk, have taken over the ideological machinery of the Republican Party. Along the way they’ve dragged part of that vital middle sliver sharply to the right.
Friends who regularly travel Stateside tell me we have a false idea of Americans; that a noisy fringe in the media gives the rest a bad name. Sadly, with the connivance of single-minded lobbyists and demagogic news media, it’s that fringe which increasingly determines the direction of public affairs.
For all their messianic hope for the advent of a new Reagan, it’s their influence on the Congress which will shape the next four years. Should Obama win, they’ll continue to stymie his domestic agenda, leaving him free to act only when it comes to drone-strikes and assassinations. Even if the Democrats win big in a mid-term reaction, he’ll have only two years left – in Washington terms, nothing.
If It’s Romney, he’ll either toe the line or not. If, like his hero Reagan, he decides to raise a tax here and there to offset proposed spending cuts, they’ll turn on him – the way they turned on Republicans who backed the stimulus and healthcare bills. The net result, in any case, is the same.
The joke is that most in the fringe are honest, hard working people who think they’re defending their own interests. They genuinely believe that, thanks to Obama, they’re paying higher taxes. They’re not. Even after enactment of the stimulus package and Obamacare, taxes for the average American have gone down. Not that you’d know it by watching Fox News.
Tea Partyers have been sold a line by a cynical politico-economic elite with an interest in stoking their fears. A distorted view of past and present imperils the future. It seems unlikely that anything short of another financial catastrophe will spur the “change” all parties glibly promise.
When a society begins to be taken in by its own mythology, it’s perilously close to disappearing up itself. When it does, a large chunk of the world will be sucked in its wake.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

VALE, ALP - WE LOVED YOU WHILE YOU LIVED


A former union organiser and, until the second term of the Carr State Government, a lifelong member of the Australian Labor Party, my father is wont to say: ‘I used to be proud to mix with the cream of the working class; these days you’re associating with the dregs of the middle class’.
I too have voted Labor all of my adult life. The present government, however, is rapidly stripping me of any argument I might use to persuade myself – let alone anybody else – to re-elect them.
Forget the appalling sleight-of hand whereby they’ve removed Mainland Australia from our migration zone; that’s merely symptomatic of a sickness with which we, the community, have infected successive governments of either stripe.
Populist xenophobia notwithstanding, it has been possible to mount other defences of Labor: elect the Coalition, you could say, and they’ll gut tertiary education, and slash funding for training and research. “The Education Prime-Minister” and her government have now sacrificed that line as well.
In the Mid-Year Economic and Fiscal Outlook (MYEFO), the Government have held on to Howard-era middle-class welfare such as the Child-Care Rebate (not means-tested), and the “Baby Bonus” (cut from $5000 to $3000 for a second child, but still means-tested to $150,000 of annual family income).
Meanwhile, they’ve cut $500 million* from research funding to universities, $82 million from income support to some undergraduate students, and a further $167 million from some master’s students, all over four years; and all in the same week where they released a White Paper urging the country to skill-up and engage with the “Asian Century”.
Tourism Australia estimates that, by 2020, between $7.4 billion and $9 billion a year will be contributed to the national economy by Chinese tourists: perhaps we can all serve them drinks and clean their hotel rooms. I hope they tip well.
The Hawke-Keating Labor Governments dragged this country by the scruff-of-the-neck out of its nineteenth-century economic mindset; remodelled the hidebound system that doomed the Whitlam and Frazer Governments; and set the scene for a decade of prosperity under John Howard.
This Government is ready to hamstring us for the next century, and all to protect a theoretical budget-surplus that barely a breathing economist believes is essential or even advisable. They’ve thrown away Labor’s economic credibility, and trapped themselves with their own political sloganeering.
But what’s the alternative? The Abbot-led Coalition is no better. The Greens? They were borderline crazy even under Bob Brown’s calming hand.
I’ve never been a fan of informal voting; always saw it as individuals evading their responsibilities. If I was Clive Palmer, however, and looking for insane ways to spend a fortune that didn’t involve a replica Titanic, I’d fund a national campaign:
Next year, leading up to the Federal Election, I’d do my level best to persuade the entire country as one bloc to vote informally. Not one single vote for any of these bastards. Send them back to try again.
Maybe then they’d get the message.

*All figures – The Sun-Herald, 28/10/2012.

Monday, 29 October 2012

MAYBE MY HOROSCOPE'S RIGHT ...


Fortune rains down upon me like the sweet urine of angels.
According to this week’s horoscope, I’ve become “a magnet for love and money”. How did they know? In the last twelve months, simply by virtue of owning a mobile phone, I’ve won more than four million dollars in lotteries and competitions I hadn’t even entered.
First, it was the “two-hundred-and-fifty thousand pounds” from “Nokia customer promo”.
Next, it was “THE SUM OF $2,000,000 USD ON BlackBerry PROMO”.
All I had to do to claim either of these prizes was e-mail my bank details to addresses in Thailand or the former Soviet Union. Easy.
And then, just a fortnight ago, I was informed that my “mobile number has won 720,000.00 pounds in the ongoing freelotto bonanza”. This one even had a transaction number and a claims department; there had to be a claims department, because that’s where you send the “transaction fee”.
Apparently the ongoing freelotto bonanza really is ongoing, because I won it again on Sunday morning. This time it was “£1,000,000.00”, and they even told me what my draw numbers were. Lovely, kind, generous folk. I won’t hear a word against them.
I’ll buy that chateau in the Loire Valley yet.
As to being a magnet for love: my five-year-old niece still thinks I’m the greatest man walking the Earth. I should be able to sustain that delusion for a few years yet.
And of course, there’s always Mum.

Friday, 26 October 2012

TRICK OR ... HUH?


Pumpkins; everywhere, goddamn pumpkins. Pumpkins with gap-toothed grins. Why? Halloween, of course – you know, that traditional Australian holiday?
            Last year it was a novelty. The year before, an experiment. This year, it seems, we’re all just expected to go along with it like good little morons; to shell out a small fortune on sweets, decorations and costumes, just in case an army of hyperactive brats alights on our doorsteps to extort sugar in one of the world’s oldest protection scams.
            When I talk about this, I’m treated like the Grinch who stole Christmas. “But the kids love it,” I’m told, “It’s fun for them”. Big deal; there are no end of ways kids can have fun, without the rest of us being dragged into the latest marketing wank. And anyway, who ever said that a kid’s life has to be an uninterrupted stream of enjoyable sensory-stimulation, preferably featuring microprocessors and carbohydrates?
            I can understand all this going on in America. There it’s part of their history – it means something. Here, it’s just a way to wring more dollars out of us between Easter and Christmas (which you’ll know, if you play the same little game I do, appeared in shops this year in June).
            Stand up, people, keep your money in your pockets; take your kids to the park instead. Send these cynical money-grubbing bastards back where they came from.
            Next, we take out the fat, jolly guy ...

Thursday, 25 October 2012

REAL MEN - Beer, Football, Cars


Amid all the recent talk of misogyny a truth has been left unspoken: while he holds some antiquated ideas about women; although he is confused and threatened by females in authority; the Australian Male’s true contempt is roused only by a rival male wandering onto his patch who doesn’t fit his idea of what constitutes a bloke.
            A trip out of town for a family event allowed me to study this atavistic glitch first hand.
I could happily have lived the rest of my days without ever again setting foot in the land of my youth. Even in Bondi, Kings Cross or Canterbury people often look at me as though I’ve just flown in from Jupiter; you can imagine the reception I get in Moree – a place where even Westies are viewed as stuck-up city folk to be treated with suspicion.
My first mistake it seems, upon arriving at said family event, was being what Jerry Seinfeld called “mid-thirties, thin and neat”. My fault, I know.
And of course, if you will insist on not having twenty or thirty kilos of gut spilling over your jeans; on looking as though you may have given a thought to your hair since the turn of the century; or on not dressing as though you threw a clothes hamper into the air and wore whatever landed on you; then for god’s sake, on no account be sufficiently attractive or intriguing that any girlfriend in the room feels compelled to look at you more than twice.
Do not be seen with a book – unless it was written by a cricketer, a footballer, or a racehorse.
While having a drink with one of the few cousins who’d engage you in conversation if standing next to you – much less walk across the room to say hello – I was treated to an interesting revelation. He described me – in a friendly, matter of fact way – as slightly effeminate.
I can honestly say it was the first time I’d heard that. If pressed, I’d have said that I’m comfortable enough with my sexuality that I don’t get nervous about what might happen if there’s a gay person nearby; that I’m in touch with my feminine side, an integrated personality; that I’m happy to express heterosexual masculinity without resorting to chest-thumping, testosterone-driven stupidity.
In short, evolved.
I have two or three friends (seems a lot, I know). The males, while very different individually, would seem to an outside observer to be all of a type. That same observer – having decided the type was artsy-fartsy latte-sipping inner-city fags – would be surprised on listening-in to learn at least half our conversation consists of moaning about the women in our lives. Not inner-city fags, but sad old heterosexuals.
Some of us even like football.
It’s the fault of progress, really. The Australian Male, a simple creature at the best of times, finds himself daily in situations beyond his comprehension. It’s confusing. Bad enough that his boss is now a woman, without having to deal with me or my friends. In the good old days, he could just fall on us with some companions, tear us limb from limb, and then get back to fighting each other over rape-rights. Progress has really screwed him.
Maybe I’m wrong; maybe the fear change and destroy the different approach is the natural way of things. Maybe some of you ladies can clear it up for me ...

Thursday, 18 October 2012

RUDE WORDS


I was chastised the other day for using – ahem – the ‘c-word’ in a blog post. As the chastisement was done privately, the chastiser will remain anonymous. I won’t name you, Mum.
            It got me thinking, though, about words we consider dirty or unacceptable, and how they got that way.
            Take the aforementioned ‘c-word’ for instance. It derives from a Latin word meaning simply ’wedge’, or ‘triangle’. Fairly self explanatory; and taken at its face, much less offensive than some other terms for that particular organ.
            Our sex-organs especially nearly always leave us groping for a euphemism. What few people realise is that even the supposedly ‘correct’ terms began as Latin slang: penis was colloquial for ‘tail’; vagina for ‘sheath’ – yes, the place you put your sword.
            We’re driven to even more absurd flights of coyness over what to call the small room where we relieve ourselves. There is not actually a word for it in English that didn’t begin as a euphemism.
            Once, on asking for directions to ‘the bathroom’, I was reprimanded by an elderly friend who curtly informed me: ‘It’s the lavatory’. Evidently she didn’t know that lavatory comes to us from Latin via French: lavatorium, lavatoire, lavatory; it means ‘washing place’, or if you prefer, ‘bathroom’.

Even the word toilet originally described a lady’s make-up table (Fr: toilette, from toile – the embroidered cloth which covered it). Powder-room, privy, water-closet, WC and so on, all euphemisms. As soon as it becomes too clear what we’re actually talking about, we get embarrassed and change it again; linguists call it ‘the euphemism treadmill’. The most straightforward approach would be the honest, Anglo-Saxon derived: shitter.

In life – and in writing above all – it’s probably best to just say what we mean. However, words come to mean what the reader or listener thinks they mean; and there’s never a need for egregious bad language.

Used sparingly, curse-words make their own point. I used ‘the c-word’ in a passage describing the internal dialogue of depression. I could have used any number of words, but none had the same power, or communicated as effectively what I wanted to say. Bastard didn’t do it; neither did mongrel, prick, son-of-a-bitch or any other. In the end, ‘Everything reminds you you’re a cunt’ was the right sentence for the purpose. If it’s confronting on the page, imagine hearing it in your head, in your own voice, several dozen times a day. Point made?

I use a couple of general rules for rude words and writing:

First, they’re not punctuation. Overused, they lose their punch and precision.

Second, and most important, if you’re going to swear, then swear; fuck or cunt, not f_ck or c_nt. Don’t mess around with blank spaces in the middle of words.

That’s for p_ssies.

Thursday, 11 October 2012

CENSORSHIP, IDEALISM, CHERNYSHEVSKY


Leery as we are about the suppression of ideas, arguably a worse form of censorship is seeing your work raised to prominence, only to propagate a travesty of your vision. Think Nietzsche in the hands of the Nazis; Christ and Saint Paul in those of roman emperors, popes and puritans (okay, I know Christ wasn’t a writer, but you get my point); Voltaire and Rousseau twisted by Robespierre and pals.
            Tsarist Russia’s Guantanamo Bay, the Alekseyevsky Wing of the Peter and Paul Fortress, St Petersburg, 1863; radical journalist and social-critic Nikolai Gavrilovich Chernyshevsky ponders the present, and dreams of the future. Between interrogations and a nine day hunger strike, he manages to write a novel and smuggle the manuscript to the office of his journal, Contemporary (Sovremennik).
            The novel passes the censors. The first chapters, appearing to be no more than a pot-boiler romance with a mystery twist, raise no alarm. By the time the later chapters, with their radical vision of sex-equality and socialist nirvana, are serialised the genie is out. The authorities close down Sovremennik, but the novel has spread throughout reformist Europe.
            Just how much, and when, Chernyshevsky himself knows of all this is open to question: after months of interrogation he is exiled to Siberia. He remains there twenty years, returning home a few years before his death. His maltreatment isn’t over.
            Less than three decades after his passing, the social order Chernyshevsky despised implodes. The Tsar is deposed, and for a brief moment a democratic Russia struggles toward life. It’s a stillbirth. The Bolsheviks storm the new parliament and, in the “Glorious October Revolution”, usher in their own brand of tyranny. The rule of monsters like Lenin and Stalin gives way over time to that of their grey progeny in the Politburo.
            Among their sacred canon, next to Marx and Engels, sits Chernyshevsky.
            His dangerous little book was Shto Delat’?, published in english as A Vital Question, or What Is To Be Done? (I’m reliably informed this is better rendered What To Do?  A cursory acquaintance with the book will cause you to question that punctuation mark as well. Picky readers take note: these are accepted english translations, not my own).
In it, he sets forth his practical – if somewhat utopian – ideas for social transformation. He decries the ignorance of the mass of the people, but acknowledges that it’s not their fault – they’re only surviving the best way they can. His scorn is for the elites, those who should know better, and could change things, if their immediate interest wasn’t served by preserving the status quo.
            Chernyshevsky never loses his faith in the basic goodness of evolving human nature. By changing those few minds ready to listen to reason, the word will slowly spread – words and example, not bullets and gulags. At its most seductive, his vision combines the best of socialism and capitalism in a way that makes you think of pragmatists like the factory owner, Ricardo Semler, in Brazil. But he knows it will take time – a long time.
            His emphasis is always on individual freedom; free individuals with a social conscience working toward a better and more free world.
            Compare this with the Bolshevik ideology, which states that because the common man is slow to catch on, he must be dragged to the light by those who know better. And if he still won’t play along, well, that’s what Siberia’s for (sound familiar?). The Bolsheviks want it to happen yesterday.
            My copy of Shto Delat’?  was printed in the Soviet Union in the early eighties. Realising their economy would inevitably collapse under the weight of competing with the US Military Budget and trying to spread socialism with tanks, thinkers in Moscow returned to an old standard: putting the soft-sell on western intellectuals.
            Toward the end of the book – the business end, that is – a strange thing happens. In a long sequence Vera, the heroine, is shown Chernyshevsky’s ideal future in a dream. It all goes along quite well; passages numbered 1, 2, 3, and so on until 6, then this:
7
.....................................................................................................................
.....................................................................................................................
At which point we continue to section 8.
            Now, given the genesis of the book – written in prison with an eye to fooling the censors, heavily symbolic and circumscribed; circulated for years in Russia, where it was banned, in hand-copied editions; edited and re-edited – it’s feasible that something just got lost along the way.
            However, you can’t escape the feeling that here, in the middle of one of the most powerful passages in the book, something just didn’t sit right with the bureaucrat assigned to publish it. For all the faulty syntax and malapropisms of a work produced quickly under pressure, this is the only glaring, complete, and unexplained gap.
            (Don’t think for a minute that I’m picking on Russia and ignoring the west. In the US, Hollywood producers collected Academy Awards and millions of dollars off the backs of men like Dalton Trumbo and Howard Fast, while the authors themselves languished, blacklisted and penurious.
            Here in Australia, we lionise men like Henry Lawson – ignoring the fact he was not only a Republican and out and out socialist but, at the turn of the twentieth century, already decrying our largely urban population’s identification with an outback ideal whose reality he knew to be lonely, pitiless and miserable.
            The difference – small but not insignificant – is that you won't find a copy of Spartacus, Johnny Got His Gun or The Collected Works of Henry Lawson with politically embarrassing passages unaccountably expunged.)
            It’s hard not to think that Chernyshevsky – celebrated as a “forerunner of Lenin” – would, were he born a century later, have lived almost exactly the same life.
            There will always be tyrants or potential tyrants. Great artists – Chernyshevsky; Shakespeare under the Tudors and Stuarts – find a way to get their point across; often under the noses, even on the dime, of those they’re excoriating.
            And personally, I’d like to think Nikolai was right about our evolving nature.

Friday, 5 October 2012

OUT OF AFGHANISTAN?


The former commander of our forces in Afghanistan, Major Gen. (Ret) John Cantwell, has been doing the rounds of the serious news shows. His purpose? To tell anybody who’ll listen that it’s time our troops were out of that godforsaken crater.

            Should our boys be stuck in a Central-Asian desert, being shot and blown-up by people they think they’re helping? To answer that, it helps to re-examine why they were there in the first place. Let’s see if I can’t deliver a cogent argument here.

            A little under eleven years ago, US and allied forces had Osama bin Laden and his cronies penned in the mountains along the Afghanistan/Pakistan border. With Pakistan’s then President, General Pervez Musharraf, eager to appear helpful, they could have either laid siege and starved them out, or chased the evil bastards right to Lahore, if need be.

            Instead, as we know, they promptly began diverting resources in readiness to open another front; the war that Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and the boys had been hankering after since before coming to office – Iraq, and Saddam.

            Now, I’ve always been inclined to defend George W Bush against those who blithely denigrate his intelligence: he may be a lot of unpleasant things, I’d say, but he’s certainly no idiot.

            That being said, however, you’d have to think that it takes a special kind of moron to break four of the most important rules of warfare in one fell swoop.

            The first rule? Know what you intend to accomplish. Every great commander, from Cæsar to Napoléon and beyond, insisted that all campaigns should begin with a clear objective. That objective is, usually, to destroy the enemy’s forces in the field.

            Second: exploit your successes and follow through. Ruthlessly pursue, capture and/or destroy the fleeing enemy. Do not allow him time and space to regroup.

            Third: Don’t divide your forces. And fourth: Never, ever, if it’s in any way up to you, fight a two-front war.

            There isn’t space here for a detailed analysis of the Bush Administration’s failings on these counts. Suffice it to say, they had no clear idea what they wanted to accomplish in Afghanistan. Capture or kill Osama? Certainly; topple the Taliban? Oh, sure, why not? Replace them, with what? A democracy? Okay, how?

            The truth is, almost from the start, Afghanistan was an after-thought. Several well placed accounts have Cheney and Rumsfeld, on September 12, 2001, already pushing for an invasion of Iraq. It was Colin Powell who appears to have said, “Hey, fellas, do you think we should start by attacking the guys who actually did this?

            By invading Iraq and leaving Afghanistan to fester the US launched a war, not on two fronts, but, with no front line at all. And we came along for the ride.

            Iraq descended into civil war and a resurgent Taliban began fighting back in Afghanistan. Both countries witnessed brutal, determined insurgencies. The answer, we were told, was a “Surge”.

            Here, it’s worth mentioning another two useful military maxims: think twice before committing too heavily to someone else’s civil war; and, more important, it is impossible to defeat a popular insurgency by conventional military means.

            In the first instance, the US had little choice; they had caused the Iraqi Civil War.

            During the Nixon Administration a phrase began to be heard – behind closed doors – in connection with Vietnam: “a decent interval”. Having acknowledged there was no way they could win, the goal became to ensure “a decent interval”  between the withdrawal of American troops and the collapse of South Vietnam – “It wasn’t me; it started falling over before I came and finished falling over after I left”.

            An insurgency buys legitimacy simply by being in the field. You can’t defeat it – attempts to do so, by inflicting civilian casualties, simply strengthen it. All you can do is fight it to a position where you can deal on terms less unfavourable. This is the philosophy behind a Surge – it buys you that “decent interval” or, if you prefer, “victory with honour”.

            Should we have been in Afghanistan to begin with? It’s hard to say no. Should we have stayed after the misadventure in Iraq? That depends on whether you think we were keeping in good with the big guy who protects us from neighbourhood bullies or chaining ourselves to the deck of a sinking battleship.

Whatever the case, it’s hard to make the argument that we should still have young men fighting and dying (and killing) there now, more than a decade later, for the sake of “a decent interval”.