LOVE, DESTINY

All kinds of nonsense have been written about love; all manner of romantic foolishness. Terms like “destiny” and “soul-mate” abound – the idea that there’s one perfect person out there for all of us, if only we can find them.

            The truth is you can be content with just about anyone. As long as two people are relatively sane, and share some common goals, you can make it work. It just takes a little effort.

            So, you stumbled into this thing because it was better than your previous situation – or better than being alone – that doesn’t matter. Time, familiarity and shared experience breed a deep affection. You may even come to believe you love this person who’s suffocating you.

            And anyway, before too long you’re depending on each other: you’ve rented an expensive flat; you’ve got furniture and appliances; you’re living beyond your means and the bills keep rolling in; your books and CDs are all mixed-up; things become your “our”; friends and family no longer view you as a person – only as part of a couple. With all that going on, it’s easy to think your lives are inextricably bound.

            Who cares that your own life is getting further and further away from how you’d pictured it? No-one but you will notice. So what if every faltering step you take in the direction of those quickly fading ideals is sabotaged by something your partner does? It’s not really that important that this person doesn’t nurture the better nature you know lives inside you.

            And hey, if they keep making stupid decisions that affect your life without consulting you, well, that’s just the way it goes. Compromise; you can make it work. You can be content.

            But then you see that other; the one who strikes you like a thunderbolt on first sight. Suddenly content is harder. Should you ever actually spend some time together, then content is out of the question.

            Sure, you can try lying to yourself. Go on, try. Just makes things worse, doesn’t it? You can stand on principle – and on the expectations of others – that won’t do any long term damage; won’t sink your relationship with your partner like a torpedoed tanker.

            Now you’re worse-off than ever. Reality puts on a mask and makes night-raids on your unconscious. And daytime’s even more confusing. If only you hadn’t met that other person.

            After your relationship has imploded, you take a while to put yourself together. You might even go on a few dates. It doesn’t work. None of them are that one. Knowing that person exists, you can’t bring yourself to make the effort with anybody else.

            So you live with it. Maybe one day it’ll happen, but you’re not waiting for it. You’d rather be alone than “content”. If only you hadn’t met that other one; then you’d never have realised.

            All kinds of nonsense have been written about love; all manner of romantic foolishness – and it’s all true.

CATS AND DOGS

You are, so they say, a cat person or a dog person. One or the other. Never the twain shall meet. And in a world where we are judged, increasingly, by how we answer bland questions in social media profiles, which one you are supposedly says a lot about you.

            Everyone seems to like dog people; and it’s not affected by how many dogs are involved. In fact, the more dogs you have, the more kind-hearted and likable you’re perceived to be (There are, of course, exceptions. Most people are suspicious of someone with a Pit-Bull terrier – especially if they’re tattooed, and shaven and hairy in all the wrong places; and heaven forbid you should have a Rottweiler and a rat’s-tail).

            But, own a cat? You’re lonely, and a little pathetic. Two cats? You’re suspect. More than two? You’re clearly insane, and you’ll die alone – at which point your cats will eat you.

            Me, I don’t have a preference. I like both (Bi-petual? Reject all labels! Rage against the machine!). And yes, funnily enough, that probably does say something about me.

            Dogs represent my better side – what I’d like to be, or what I’d like to be more often: unquestioningly loyal; instinctively able to find their place in the pack and be content with it; teachable; fierce in defence of home and family; affectionate; easily amused; a comfort to those who love them.

            Cats, on the other hand, are more like what I really am: solitary; prickly; aloof to a point easily mistaken for arrogance; indolent; vicious when rubbed the wrong way; capable of extreme affection, but usually when I need it – not always when my companion does; built for exceptional self-reliance, but inclined to let others look after me if they’ll do it.

We can’t change our personalities and, as the formula goes, “Personality plus environment equals behaviour” ... and there’s the key.

While unable to change them, we can understand our personalities; we can examine our thoughts, our environment, and how we react to them. If we make this a habit – and are, above all, honest with ourselves – then ninety-nine times out of a hundred we can act according to our values rather than our impulses; our behaviour is still based on the same personality, thoughts, and external stimuli, but the result is different.

            There’s a school of thought which says that if you’re able to imagine and wish for something, then it’s part of you and you’re capable of achieving it. Not sure I completely believe that, but I’d like to think I won’t remain a sad old bachelor getting crankier and more set in my ways with every passing year.

            At the moment life is about standing on my own two feet, dealing with my own shit, and trying to be more like the person I want to be and to share. It’s a job best done alone.

            One day though, given the opportunity, I’d still like to show the right Lady my inner German shepherd.